SUPER TRIATHLON MADNESS!
by L.A.D. CORP. iNC
Summary: The Host Club is competing in an triathlon! What kind of cracktastic madness is waiting for them? And why is Haruhi shooting death glares at Kyouya?
1. Prologue

"NOOO WAAAY!!!"

Haruhi didn't even flinch, having gotten used to how patrons of the host club were easily excited to undignified squealing.

"Fujioka-kun and what will _you_ be doing?"

She barely registered the cuddling girl next to her, although, she really should. She sipped quietly from the new lavender teacup, staring darkly at the dark-haired guy in the corner, scribbling away at god knows what.

"Biking…"

Flashback

"Haruhi…"

The brunette turned to see Kyouya walking stiffly towards her, clipboard in one arm, looking like someone just bitch-slapped him to Siberia and back. In other words, shocked; but then again, he's never shocked, so maybe he's just angry. Make it really angry… But he didn't get angry either. Yet she swore she saw the aura of death surrounding him, and she knew he didn't wake up at 3 in the afternoon.

"You will be biking in our upcoming triathlon."

She blinked slowly. Once. Twice.

"What?"

"A three-part sports event."

Haruhi paled immediately. Not only did she not want to participate, she was also horrible in any kind of sports.

"Wh-what?! Wh-why?! What are you talking about?! I can't— I WON'T!"

"I already have it all calculated, of course, our club will suffer significant losses next week due to the triathlon, what with Tamaki swimming, the twins and Hunni and Mori sprinting; we will have a high number of spectators bringing in a considerable profit, at the same time the high rates of deaths due to blood loss will lower our future profits. You will need to make that up, unfortunately. I'm deducting the losses from your current input."

"WHAT?!"

"But by biking I'll give you another ten thousand or so, depending on outcome."

"Wait…!"

"Good day."

End Flashback

'The prick…'

She continued glaring at his forehead; maybe she could burn a hole to his brain. Groaning inwardly, she realized the event was tomorrow…

"What was that Fujioka-kun?"

Did she say something out loud? Quickly plastering a smile on, Haruhi hurriedly assured the mob of worried girls that had decided to mother her. The last thing she needed was another to be added in her lap.

"You're not catching a cold, are you Fujioka-kun?"

"You're not getting a fever are you?"

"Here, let me see."

"No, no, I'll do it."

"Quit it! You're cutting of his air supply!"

"Oh no! Look! He's getting all red!"

"Look what you did!"

"No YOU did it!"

"YOU!"

Before further incident, Hunni ordered Mori to pull Haruhi up and away. Any fan girls that thought that was somehow _hot_ swooned. Kyouya, of course, being all awesome and evil like always, just watched from afar trying to calculate the future loss they would have from the effect of the triathlon. Tamaki was also trying to 'save' Haruhi. We'll rewind a couple seconds before.

"HARUHI!!! DON'T WORRY! YOUR FATHER WILL—" He was cut off when he saw the giant… 'statue' called Mori lift her up into the air, like an angel. He gasped and 'died', sinking into a corner trying to cultivate fungus and mope. "Y-You don't need your own father anymore?"

Everyone ignored him. Everyone except the twins.

"Ne, Kaoru," Hikaru whispered, making it just loud enough for the King to hear them. "It's sad really, how Kyouya's making Haruhi _bike_ in the triathlon."

Tamaki's ear grew larger, but didn't move from his spot.

"Yeah… what if her _boob_ accidentally pops out while she's pedaling? Then everyone will see it, 'cause she'll be wearing that _tight_ spandex outfit." Kaoru raised his voice a little louder, so Tamaki (and not the rabid fan girls) could hear.

Tamaki's ear grew a little larger.

"And her putting all that _effort_ into it, panting _hard_."

"She'll be all red and stuff!"

"But what if she _faints_? And in like, the _rough, dangerous_ terrain they have to bike in?"

"NOO!!!!!!!!!" Their King popped up, mauling Kyouya down. Not really. He dodged at the last second 'cause he's Kyouya.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO HARUHI! THINK ABOUT IT! WHAT IF," Tamaki lowered his voice. "They find out? Then what'll we do?"

"Have you been drinking toilet water again?"

"No! I stayed far away from it, I swear! I heard it from Hikaru and Kaoru!"

The two said boys were now sniggering, which quickly turned into hysterical laughter. Tears came flowing out of their eyes.

When time finally came to call it a day, the seven sat around the room.

"I still don't see why I have to bike," Haruhi sulked.

Kyouya said nothing, but she knew that he was getting pissed.

"I SECOND THAT! MY DAUGHTER WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE!"

"Shut up," said the Hitachiin twins and Kyouya.

Where were Hunni and Mori in this? Well, Mori was being his normal quiet self, and Hunni was observing.

"Ne, isn't Haruhi-chan horrible in sports?" Hunni finally spoke up. The words shot through her like a bullet.

"Oh yeah… I remember she couldn't do a push up for beans…" The twins started reminiscing, if it actually time to reminisce. Haruhi shot them an angry look.

"Well, since the biking is the first thing to do, she could come in last, causing the girls to be on the edge of their seats. Then Tamaki comes in. Hunni and Mori will zoom through the track, and Hikaru will too; but then Kaoru comes along, and when he's almost at the finish line, he'll collapse, and Hikaru will come running to him. The probability that that would happen and the fan girls will swoon and faint is ninety-five point two percent." Kyouya paused and scribbled something down. "Then Tamaki, being as _dense_ as he is (Tamaki was offended here) would rush to Haruhi at the given opportunity and console her, not Kaoru. We'll probably end up in third or fourth place."

"…"

"Profits would go up only by a little once you factor all of the cons in."

'I'm so going to kick you one day,' Haruhi thought.

"You should be careful, Fujioka-_kun_. Someone might find out about your secret," Kyouya smirked, not looking up from his notebook. IT WAS LIKE HE COULD READ MINDS, OMFG.

Tamaki paled. Horrid thoughts floated through his mind as he thought of all the things that could happen to his precious 'daughter' if they found out about her secret. He shot up, appalled. "Don't say such things to your daughter! What kind of mother are you?! That's it! I'm filing for divorce! Don't worry Haruhi, you daddy's here to console you—"

A pair of pale white arms blocked and slammed him across the room.

"Excuse you, your _majesty_ for trying to molest _my_ brother," Hikaru glared, hugging his brother closer to him. Tamaki could only pry himself out of the wall.

Haruhi could only sigh as she watched the chaos that started unveiling in front of her. 'Only two days until the triathlon… I wonder if they know that I suck riding a bike?'

* * *

Chapter one done! Yup! Lisa and I finally wrote a collab story! XDD Review please! 


	2. Part One: Biking

Haruhi glared at the metal contraption if front of her. 'Stupid bicycle. Stupid Kyouya. Stupid triathlon.' She WOULD'VE kicked the bicycle, but Kyouya threatened her. So she decided to glare at him, only to be cut off by his evil/happy smile. And she couldn't because her lime green and sky blue one piece spandex outfit didn't let her.

Sighing in defeat, she climbed onto the pink two-wheeler and waited.

"On your marks… get set…"

Haruhi yawned.

"GO!!"

Everyone zoomed past her as if there was no tomorrow, while she slowly trudged along unwillingly past the spectators.

"Go Fujioka-kun! You can do it!" One fan screamed. And yes, he's a FAN BOY.

The cross dresser was panting and sweating heavily by the time she reached the woods (which wasn't very far, mind you).

She decided to take a small break, but a lime green, sky blue and blonde blob jumped her.

"T-Tamaki-senpai! What are you doing here? We'll be disqualified!" she hissed.

"Don't worry, Haruhi! Your father will—" his sentence was cut short because two identical lime green and sky blue figures knocked him out and dragged him away.

"Good luck Haruhi!" Hikaru waved, dragging the limp body. The body hit a tree root. Kaoru chuckled.

She shook her head and hopped onto the bike hoping she could finish biking the last ⅞ of the mile before Tamaki gained consciousness again and attempted to save her.

'Okay, I can do this, right leg, left leg, right leg, left leg… No, no I can't. Stupid Kyouya, stupid bike, STUPID TRIATHLON!'

Meanwhile in the sidelines waiting…

"Ne, Kaoru, Haruhi's getting angry…"

"Un, getting faster too…"

Hunni blinked in surprise.

"Ne, since when could Haruhi-chan curse in French?"

The twins grinned here.

"We did stay behind to tutor her last week—"

"—and Hikaru stubbed a toe; you know how he is."

"But she wasn't listening!"

"Or was she?"

Tamaki was horrified.

"THE CORRUPTION! I HEREBY BAN YOU FROM SEEING MY DAUGHTER! YOU—"

There was utter silence as Haruhi (and her pink bike) gracefully flew off a cliff. Well, as graceful as can be managed, anyway, because bikes are not very graceful to begin with. By the time it took the audience to realize that Fujioka Haruhi had just most likely _died_…

"NOO!!" Tamaki cried, dropping to his knees and ripping out his hair. "MY CHILD! DEAD! OH! THE PAIN! THE HORROR!"

All hope seemed to be lost until a ray of light hit Mori. Mori, who was just sitting there and being Mori-iffic suddenly got up, ripped off his lime green and sky blue spandex suit, and revealed a blue spandex with blank spandex undies, with 'SM' written on his chest. The now superhero jumped off the cliff after Haruhi, and moments later, climbed back up with the unconscious girl in his arms. Tamaki rejoiced.

When Haruhi was removed from his arms, Mori became normal again and started wearing the lime green and sky blue suit.

All the fan girls/ fan boys flocked to Haruhi's side, trying to see if she was ACTUALLY ok.

"No! Kyouya, take Haruhi! I must go and… SWIM. Must avenge Haruhi!" The French boy ripped off his spandex outfit to reveal a pink speedo, and jumped into the pool.

Meanwhile, the fans decided to tend to Haruhi's every need, while Kyouya smiled and jotted some notes down.

'Fan population: twenty percent increase.'

* * *

Yay! After weeks of procrastination, we have finished this chapter! Lisa and I were kind of... you know... lazy, and we made it short (sorry 'bout that), and then I decided to add the "NOO etc." after it so it'd be a little longer. Please review! We will be so happy! This is Daisy, signing out! 


	3. Part Two: Swimming

Angry buzzing filled Haruhi's ears as she tossed in the darkness that enveloped her. Well, she always _knew _bees were going to be the death of her one day. She had told her father so when she was younger, but did he listen? _Nooo_… Ha, now look where she is! Unconscious! And surrounded by buzzing! Wait, no, no that wasn't it… Oh, it's just people talking…and crying…and frantic splashing… She could hear snatches of conversation about how her flight from the cliff had damn near killed her and wondered idly if she should open her eyes yet, just so they could start getting off her battered form.

"His eyes! He's waking up!"

The joyous squealing nearly deafened poor Haruhi. Maybe she should have chanced staying "dead".

Over at the pool, Tamaki had just finished his third lap but couldn't resist leaping out to see his beloved daughter. He shook his wet hair that clung to his face, the released droplets of water sparkling in the air as they flew towards the ground. His body, slick with water, glistened, capturing the attention of many fans. They swooned. His eyes widened, his lips parted with his heavy breathing, and he made to run for Haruhi. Two steps later the entire audience found Tamaki back headfirst in the pool, having slipped on the puddle he made climbing out. The fans keeled over. Who would have guessed the view the bleachers offered of the blonde's pink speedo-clad ass?

OH.

MY.

GOD.

The twins immediately tangled themselves around Haruhi, arms supporting her as she tried to sit up, arms shielding her eyes. Grateful the fans may be to have a back view, they for sure, did not appreciate the front. Haruhi in turned clutched onto Hikaru's and Kaoru's arms like a lifeline, horrified.

Haruhi's eyes widened at the sight before her. There, without _anything_ to cover it was Tamaki's **BLEEP**. Fan girls (and fan boys) had bloody noses and died, but Haruhi (who wasn't any of the two) became scarred. She screamed a bloody scream and nearly fainted, if it wasn't for the fact that right _after_ she became unconscious, one of the swimmers jumped into the water, soaking the three.

As Haruhi dried off, changing out of her spandex jumpsuit and into another one, Hikaru and Kaoru were nowhere to be seen.

"Kyouya-senpai," she asked, approaching the man. "Where are Kaoru and Hikaru?"

"They took Tamaki to the infirmary. They'll be back after the doctors give him to ok."

"What happened?"

"Upon seeing that you fainted, he ran over to you, but slipped and hit his head."

"Oh."

After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, the twins ran out of the building.

"Oi! They said he'll be unconscious for a couple hours," Hikaru started.

"But he'll be fine after he wakes up!" Kaoru finished.

"But just to make sure he doesn't go crazy again, we tied him to the bed!" They chorused.

Everyone in the club shook their heads at their cruelty.

As they started heading towards their spots on the track, Haruhi felt a rather unsettling feeling coming over her. Something was going to happen, she knew it.


End file.
